I met Rebecca during the heydays of Craigslist personals. She had authored a posting identifying herself as a slender, long haired brunette looking for a chivalrous man. I wouldn’t have declared myself chivalrous but I was at least polite, so I replied. Four years had passed since my divorce and I had found a new happiness in life through living at the ocean. I decided that it was time for me to put myself out there again with a woman. Rebecca replied to my note and we began a correspondence in email. After a few days, we determined that there was sufficient connection to have a meeting. She lived near the Delaware river, the natural border between Pennsylvania and New Jersey and I lived at the shore about seventy miles away. Not neighbors but close enough for a friendship or more.
Rebecca suggested that we have lunch at a restaurant in Frenchtown, a quaint bed and breakfast village across the river from its gay sister city New Hope, PA. That worked fine for me. Since both of us were working during the week, we planned to meet on an early Sunday afternoon. We had shared face pictures which allowed us to come together without exchanging phone numbers. I sensed that she was protective of her privacy as well an attractive single woman should be.
I arrived early and she arrived late, which gave me some anxiety but only fifteen minute’s worth. She was even more attractive than her photo. Rebecca was indeed slender at a size four and her brunette hair was long and wavy, reminiscent of the beauty queens in the sixties. She wore form fitting white denim pants and a loosely fitted black satin blouse. I was certainly attracted by her physical appearance, but her warm smile and greeting added to her luster.
The day was pleasant enough for us to enjoy our meal at an outdoor table. The restaurant was only half full so it was easy to have an open conversation as we came to know one another. I learned that she would soon be a grandmother. Her one daughter from her one marriage was pregnant and living in Vermont. Rebecca had been single almost twenty years and with the daughter no longer living at home, she was seeking some companionship and romance. I wondered, but didn’t ask, what had kept her single so long.
We talked about my divorce as well as hers which provided us with information about each other’s character. When it came time to order our food, I also learned that she was a longtime vegetarian. I enjoyed my chicken salad sandwich and she declared that it didn’t matter to her what choices other people made.
By the conclusion of the lunch there was enough chemistry between us that she suggested we go for a hike on a nearby trail. I knew about the towpath trail along the river, but as a local, Rebecca knew lots of places for a hike. I agreed to the plan and she directed me to sit in the passenger seat of her car. I felt no alarm of danger and was happy to comply to be with this beautiful woman.
She drove just a short distance on two lane bucolic roads until we turned onto a one lane dirt road. After a few hundred yards she pulled over and stopped the car. “We’re here,” Rebecca gaily declared exiting from the vehicle. There were no other cars or people within sight. “We can hike to the creek,” she chirped as she sprightly headed forward on the narrow dirt path. We were in a lightly forested area with weeds on both sides of the trail. It was certainly pleasant following that attractive tiny ass and long hair as we made our way to the creek.
When we arrived at the water, Rebecca took a perch on a large smooth boulder and I plunked myself down next to her. This seemed like a place that she frequented for thinking or just being close to nature. There was a pleasant gurgling sound from the water bouncing among the smooth river rocks a few feet below us. She was correct that it was a delightful place to continue getting to know one another. I was surprised at how comfortable she was being alone in the woods with a man she had only just met.
I was attracted by Rebecca’s sense of adventure and I certainly enjoyed the sunlight adding highlights to her hair. I wanted to run my hands through that hair and declared so. She enjoyed my comment with a smile but declared that she wasn’t ready for anything physical yet. I allowed her the time and space to find a comfort zone and wasn’t discouraged by the reply. We continued to enjoy the beauty of the creek for an hour before she declared that it was time to go.
Rebecca was equally sprightly in the return to the car but at one point stopped and pointed to her finely shaped buttocks asking, “So, what do you think about my assets?” “You’re surely a pleasure to walk behind,” I returned honestly. In the drive to the restaurant, we each declared that there was enough interest to meet again and I suggested that she come to my area for a day at the beach the next Saturday. She was welcome to stay the night if she wanted, and I would sleep in the other bedroom. “Let me think on it.” Since she had declared herself not ready for anything physical, I exited the car without an attempt at a kiss or hug, but I was elated by our first meeting and hoped there would be another. I simply provided a friendly smile and wave as she drove away.
Saturday
The next day I received an email from Rebecca accepting my invitation. She wasn’t sure about spending the night, but would enjoy a day at the beach. I was happy to receive her acceptance and willingness to take the next step. We were both busy working during the week, so communication was limited.
She arrived at my door wearing very tiny denim shorts frayed at the edges and a tied-up blouse that exposed her firm attractive midriff. She was almost a Daisy Mae ringer, and in my mind, I wanted to fuck her right there in the living room. Fortunately, I had a fair amount of restraint and just commented on how great she looked. Rebecca leaned into me for a light hug and I took in the flowery scent in that beautiful hair that attracted me.
I had prepared drinks, snacks, towels and breakfast sandwiches to support ourselves during our time at the water. I declared that I was ready to go and she made a quick turnaround as we headed out my door together. She took the passenger seat in my car for the short drive to the beach parking lot.
Sandy Hook was a five mile long federal park which jutted up into New York City harbor. There were many old military installations from WWII and Nike missiles from the sixties. The active Coast Guard station was at the tip of the peninsula but most of the land was naturalized park with protected wildlife. It was quite amazing to sit on the sandy beach and look across the water to see the skyline of New York City. There was a nude beach in one area, but I didn’t propose that we go to that section. Perhaps we could work up to that.
It was early in the summer season and the water had a refreshing temperature, but both of us easily jumped in to enjoy its coolness. The sexual energy that was between us exhibited itself through our frolicking in the water, but also came into play when we applied sun block to each other’s bodies. Since Rebecca was wearing a skimpy bikini there was most of her available for the sensual application of cream. Fortunately, I was wearing loose fitting trunks which only slightly divulged my arousal.
As Rebecca became more comfortable lying next to me on the beach blanket, she allowed herself to snuggle into my chest with that sexy hair cascading across my pectorals. I sensed that she enjoyed listening to the cadence of my heartbeat and enjoyed the bulge in my shorts. When we turned on our sides, she didn’t complain when I snuggled up behind and placed my hand on her bare stomach. The tiny waist was so appealing and lascivious thoughts ran through my head. Would I be naked in bed with her today?
Our conversation was light and carefree due to the influence of the beach atmosphere. By late afternoon we were ready to depart. I informed her that I had planned a vegetarian dinner for us and all of the ingredients were in the house ready to assemble. She replied that she had made a pie in anticipation of staying for dinner. She wanted to contribute her part. I was amazed to hear her words since pie was one of my most favorite foods.
With cooking and eating to stimulate us, we happily headed to my house for our next part of the full day together. Rebecca took a shower to freshen herself while I began my tasks in the kitchen. My ex and I were vegetarians before we had children so I knew a number of good items to cook where meat was not essential. I had chosen a fresh garden salad and handmade cannelloni using crepes. I had made thousands of crepes as a pastry chef at the 21 Club in New York City and Rebecca was most impressed with my technique while she watched me create the light pancakes and fill them with herbed ricotta cheese. I covered them with a meatless puttanesca sauce seasoned with pepperoncini. She pulled out her shoofly pie which I had never had but knew that it was made from all of the forms of sugar known to man.
We had a great evening of food and conversation with a good bottle of red Italian wine. I knew that that sugary pie was bad for my sensitive teeth but I wanted to encourage more future pie and I made certain to provide proper compliments. We snuggled on the couch after dinner and necked like young teenagers when the parents were away. I was cheered by how physical we were becoming. By the time Rebecca had to decide about staying the night it was clear that she was not going home. I also knew that I would keep my boy scouts honor by sleeping on the futon while she took the queen-sized bed.
Rebecca may have expected me to come to her in the middle of the night to implore her for sex, but that would have been a misjudgment of my chivalrous character. I wasn’t certain that either of us slept well but we stayed in our separate rooms keeping to the deal we had made.
Morning was early for Rebecca and thus it became so for me. Coffee and fresh biscuits on the back deck gave us sustenance for the beginning of the day. Rebecca declared that she needed to head for home, but also asked, “Would you come to my house next Saturday?” I readily agreed and hugged her closely, taking in the feminine smells. We kissed romantically before she got into the car and drove away. That was a great way to part with some future already on the calendar for a week away. I hoped that Rebecca’s openness to give me her address meant sex would be on the menu. We were both putting our feet into the water slowly.
Saturday at Rebecca’s
It was another week of work for both of us, but Saturday was in my mind on every day of the week. Rebecca had invited me for dinner and to spend the night. She didn’t mention sleeping arrangements and my mind tried to delve into the future of Saturday night bedtime but there weren’t enough clues. I decided to bring a dozen red roses as a display of floral affection and romance.
I arrived just on time for my evening invitation. Rebecca lived in exactly the home that you would expect of a “country” girl. It was a white clapboard house with blue trim and a long porch complete with a porch swing. There were large trees on the property that lent cooling shade on a summer evening. When Rebecca met me at the front door and noted the roses she smiled broadly and kissed me while pressing her shapely body against mine. My cock was having after dinner thoughts. She was wearing a thin cotton print dress cinched at the waist to accentuate her appealing feminine figure.
Rebecca took the roses into the kitchen and recut the stems before placing them in a blue vase. The inside of the house was heavily decorated with knickknacks in various shades of blue against the white walls. Pastels of pink were used for accent and no one would have to guess that this was a woman’s home since there were no male touches. Women’s magazines were on coffee tables and the large wooden dining table had been set for two.
Rebecca had made a vegetarian stew and fresh salad with items from her garden. We enjoyed the good comfort food with relaxed conversation. She tidied up after the meal and I came up from behind while her hands were in the soapy water. I wrapped my arms around that slender waist and kissed her on the back of the neck. She leaned back into me so that my nostrils were filled with her scent.
Rebecca surprised me when she turned around soapy hands and all to kiss me on the lips and rub her hands on my strong chest. She unbuttoned my shirt and rubbed that soft hair on my flesh as she placed tender kisses on my body. I was very aroused and my cock was pressing against my jeans wanting to join in the fun. Rebecca must have been listening to my cock because she undid my belt and lowered my zipper before dropping to her knees to release my bulging hard on. She kissed the head of my cock a number of times before taking it into her warm wet mouth. I had been wanting to feel her insides for weeks. She was so beautiful and sexy. I was a fortunate man.
I rubbed my hands through the thick wavy hair saying, “Oh, yes.” She stood up and I slowly undid the buttons on the front of her dress exposing a lightweight bra and pink lace panties. I sensually massaged her breasts through the bra while she reached behind and undid the clasp to release her perfectly formed C cups. The nipples were already hard and I quickly lowered my head to suck on them with pleasure. She held my head against her chest as she said, “Come to my bed.” I had been waiting for those words and smiled with delight upon hearing them.
Rebecca had an old four poster bed with lots of soft pillows and a big lacy comforter. She removed the comforter and lay down naked on the bed stretching forth open arms to welcome me. I clumsily got naked but managed to be adept at climbing into the bed where I lay directly on top of her with my hard cock pressing between smooth athletic legs. We kissed passionately and held each other’s bodies closely entwined while enjoying the touch for which we had each hungered.
I dropped my head down to kiss her legs and pubic area. She had only lightly trimmed leaving a full patch of brunette hair. I licked the labia which already had some wetness and separated them to expose her pussy to my tongue. I licked gently but when she pulled my head in closer, I increased the pressure and pushed my tongue inside as deep as I could go. I thrust in and out with my tongue to stimulate the opening to excite her to want something bigger.
I licked and sucked on the clit and slipped my middle finger gently inside. She had very sensitive spots on either side of her pussy and I massaged them both until she said, “Put on a condom. I want you inside me.” I had planned for such a statement and took one from my pants pocket. Rebecca lifted her legs up into the air displaying a wide-open pussy for my hard cock. I knelt on the bed and rested the shapely legs on my shoulders kissing her smooth calves as I slid just the head of my dick inside. The warmth was very stimulating and I pushed in deeper. I wanted all of this woman. Shining eyes widened and our breathing quickened as her pussy filled with hard cock until my balls were pressing against her soft bottom.
I held Rebecca’s legs wider apart as I repeatedly pushed my shaft in and out of her joyous body. She squeezed me tightly with her strong pussy muscles. There was a rhythmic joining of our sexual parts as we pleasured each other fully. She surprised me when she offered, “If you fuck me in the ass, you won’t need to use a condom.” Those were new words for me. “Lay on your back,” she directed and I quickly complied. She removed the empty condom and sat on my abdomen in a squatting position. She used some of her pussy’s wetness to prepare the other hole. She placed the head of my hard cock where she desired me. Rebecca slowly lowered her ass onto my dick which could feel the tightness of the small opening. After taking three quarters of my dick, she began to ride slowly. She bobbed up and down on my cock each time taking me a little bit deeper until she managed to get all of my thick shaft deep inside that tiny ass.
Adjusting to the fullness, Rebecca increased the speed of her movements. Before long, she was easily bouncing that petite body against mine with her hair wildly swaying from the movements. Her breasts would have been bouncing as well if I hadn’t had my hands all over them. She rubbed her clit with abandon and orgasmed a couple of times squeezing hard on my cock during the process. I almost came during each of those episodes, but managed to hold back. She brought her body forward and rested slender hands on my chest so that she could increase the intensity of bouncing ass on my cock. I was unable to hold out any longer and filled her ass with cum as I made loud uninhibited animalistic growls. Rebecca bent forward and rested her sweaty body on mine with the long hair flowing across my chest. It was a while before our breathing came back to normal and we remained in that position as my dick softened. We drifted off to sleep still clinging to one another enveloped in the soft bedding.
I awoke to the sensation of running water and heard Rebecca in the nearby bathroom. She left the light on in the bathroom which filtered soft light to the bed. She returned with a soapy washcloth to clean off my cock. That was a new and entertaining experience for me. She used the soap to clean but also to stimulate me to a renewed stiffness. Once she had accomplished that goal, she straddled my body while stroking my hard shaft.
Now that I was functional and awake, she pressed my cock against her anal opening and gently lowered herself, easily returning me to that tight warm place which had been so stimulating. She began to slide up and down on me while playing with her clit. My hands held her around the slender waist lending some balance. It was not long before she increased the speed of movement, swinging her head back and forth making her hair fly in all directions. I felt as though I were in a hot porn movie.
Each time that she orgasmed her anus tightened on my shaft and held me in place while her torso shuddered. I loved holding her watching the gyrations increase along with her pleasure. I couldn’t believe what was happening when she turned her body around so that I could watch her tiny ass as she took my cock up and down. I think Rebecca knew that I would cum in that position. Her ass was so perfect and she had made my dick hard as a rock. My hands held her hips and kept her in place as I filled that sexy ass to overflowing with my creamy fluids. She laughed openly from the satisfaction of taking me.
Rebecca turned to look at me over her shoulder with the wild hair framing her smile and said, “Morning.” I laughed along with her which caused my cock to pop out suddenly and we laughed at that too. She lay naked on top of me and kissed my lips gently before snuggling onto my chest. We enjoyed the sensuality of our naked bodies exchanging heat between us. I was so attracted to Rebecca with that wavy hair resting on my naked body.
I wanted that moment to last with my arms clasped around this beautiful, sexy woman who had shown herself to be very sexual. She had planned a Sunday morning walk for us along the towpath but we agreed to linger naked in the bed until it was time to go. She got cleaned up first and went to the kitchen to make coffee while I showered and got dressed. We drank our strong coffee at the kitchen table with its pale blue gingham tablecloth.
It was Rebecca’s neighborhood, so we went in her car to the parking area. It was a pleasant morning and other people had chosen to take their Sunday stroll as well. We started off at a brisk pace, but when we stopped to look at some wildflowers, I took the opportunity to put my arm around her slender waist in this public space. She leaned back into me accepting my physical attention. Our walk became a stroll after that and more people smiled at us as they walked from the oncoming direction.
We walked some miles before deciding to turn around. Both of us knew that when we got back to Rebecca’s house I would have to head for home. We managed to make the afternoon stretch by sitting along the riverside watching happy people floating by in large innertubes. While we were sitting off the path, I took the opportunity to pull her close to me and hold her face while we kissed gently in the dappled sunlight. She wrapped her arms around me and we stayed in that embrace enjoying the sensual touch between us.
We made a plan for Rebecca to return to the beach for the next weekend. That made it easier to separate for the week of work. We kissed and held each other on the porch until it was time for me to go. A week was not long, unless you wanted to be with someone every day.
Another Saturday at the Beach
We started writing sexual emails looking forward to when our bodies would embrace and praise nudity. Early in the week the messages were brief, but as we both got into the passion of email sex, the letters increased in length and eroticism. By the time Saturday arrived, both of us were in a high pitch of readiness.
It was a happy surprise for me when Rebecca jumped into my arms in my doorway pushing me back into the house. She clasped her legs around me and kissed me passionately while I supported her petite body with my hands firmly planted on that cute little ass. I barely had time to close the door before we started removing each other’s clothes. She wasn’t wearing a bra so when I undid her tied up blouse, the naked breasts were there for the taking. I plunged my face between them smelling all that femininity. I nibbled and sucked on both nipples just as I had described I would in an email. She tousled my hair clasping my head to her naked chest.
Rebecca reached down and felt my hard cock pressing against my denim shorts. She pulled down the shorts releasing the erect tool. She massaged me before dropping to her knees to engulf my cock into a warm wet mouth. I had dreamt of feeling that sexy hair on my body while she sucked on my cock. Reality had replaced the dream world and I was in heaven. Thank you, goddess of fortune!
I was afraid that she would make me orgasm that way, so I pulled back and helped take off her tiny pair of shorts. I directed Rebecca to lean back into the sofa so that I could eat her pussy from a kneeling position. She was happy to comply and wrapped naked legs around my shoulders as I eagerly plunged my face between her legs. I was hungry for that pussy which tasted sweet and juicy. I slipped my middle finger inside and massaged the G spots which led Rebecca to tighten her legs around my body. I didn’t allow one orgasm to make me stop but continued pleasuring her by sucking and licking the clit while fingering her pussy until she had two more orgasms.
I leaned forward to place my naked body on top of hers and we kissed passionately like uncontrollable teenagers. Rebecca pushed me back and got on her knees to take my cock back into her mouth. I wanted to fill that tiny ass with my cock and I directed her to lean over the large arm of the comfy chair that would fully support her body while I fucked from behind. I had planned in hopes of doing just that and had some lube on a nearby table.
Rebecca was happy to take that doggie position knowing that she was going to be wildly fucked. It had been a week since I was inside and I knew that she would be tight again so I slowed down using the lube to massage the opening and stretch her anus by pushing the ass cheeks to each side. Her hole was ready and fully exposed to my view and my cock’s singular vision. I pushed in the head and waited for her to adjust to the fullness that she wanted. When her breathing relaxed, I pushed in halfway and she exhaled a pleasant, “Ahhh. Oh, yes, I have been wanting you.” I was more than happy to be providing what she wanted.
She was ready now for a deeper experience and I slid inside until my balls were enjoying the feeling of touching that smooth pale ass. I pulled back but not out and slowly returned to be fully inside. I repeated this half a dozen times before I began to pick up speed and to change the length of the thrust. I pulled out all of the way and slid just the head inside wiggling the shaft back and forth to stretch the opening. She was breathing hard and clutching onto the soft fabric of the chair. I was happy to see Rebecca’s hand slip underneath to reach the clit while I filled her ass. I quickly plunged in all the way in one strong thrust and she gasped in surprise.
I moved into serious ass fucking mode thrusting with force and depth while gently smacking the white ass cheeks which began to show some color. I had been waiting for this moment all week and my arousal was at a fever pitch. My cum for the entire week poured into Rebecca with such quantity that some came back out and dribbled onto the chair. I exhaled deeply and leaned forward to rest my body on hers while my cock remained lodged firmly in that small ass. I kissed the back of her neck saying, “Happy to see you.” She laughed so hard that my dick got pushed out. I backed up and she spun around to hug me tightly with her head and long hair resting on my chest. Now we were ready for the beach.
We both knew that cleaning up was a requirement before heading to the ocean. We were already naked, so it was easy to make our way to the shower together. Rebecca put up her hair so that it would still look good when she arrived at the beach. We soaped up each other’s body which would have led to sex if we hadn’t just fucked in the living room. It made sense to put on sunblock while we were both naked in my house and that too might have led to more sex but we were now eager to be on the beach.
We went to the same place we had been two weeks before and enjoyed the slightly warmer temperature of the ocean water. Our physical touch was now like a couple who easily touched and comingled our scantily clad bodies on the beach. It was a good thing that I had orgasmed before the beach or I would have been making a tent in my bathing trunks.
During the middle of the afternoon, I sensed that Rebecca was working up to telling me something when she opened, “I think you’re falling in love with me.” I hadn’t anticipated such a direct comment, but I had been wondering about that issue myself. When I didn’t reply, she continued, “I see the way you look at me and that’s what I read on your face.” Dodging the question and returning the issue I replied, “And what do you feel about me?” “Can’t you see that I love you? I wouldn’t have had sex with you if I hadn’t fallen in love with you.”
We had just arrived at a new destination for which I was ill equipped. I hadn’t felt love since my divorce and wasn’t sure that I was capable of loving again. I really wasn’t confident in my feelings, but hearing her assuredly declare that I was in love lent credence to the feeling. I tried it on for size, “I love to be with you.” “Oh, come on. I love you and you love me. It’s as clear as day to me,” she retorted.
Perhaps I was in love and perhaps her conviction pushed me to a place I wasn’t sure was true for me. Nonetheless, Rebecca’s directness and my desire to please her led me to say, “I love you,” with an open and free smile. “Well, of course, you do, silly man” she laughed as we hugged and kissed openly on the public beach. I wondered if nearby observers were like those who witness a public marriage proposal and cheer the couple when an affirmation was received. Did they feel the intense energy that was happening between us?
Later that same afternoon, as we basked in the sun and the joy of new love, Rebecca had more to say. “There’s something about me you should know. After my divorce, I had an affair for five years with my lawyer, a married woman.” This new openness was shocking and I tried not to express my surprise with words or looks but I had no indication that this was coming. My mind raced with bisexual thoughts and fears about disclosing my own bisexuality. I was very uncomfortable and decided not to share my own sexual history just then, but to speak to her experience. That would seem compassionate and accepting without putting this new relationship at risk so early. I was very attracted to Rebecca and loved fucking her.
“What happened?” I asked with true interest and concern for this woman who was coming into my life in a serious way. Rebecca described how she had discovered feelings for this attractive married woman and after the divorce decided to be brave and express them. As it turned out, the lawyer was a hidden bisexual woman who was hungry for a female relationship outside of marriage. She never promised to leave her husband and family, but wanted this additive relationship with a woman. Rebecca accepted that limitation and they had five secret years together. I never asked anything about their sexual activity but my curious mind wished that I had.
The openness of my own bisexuality was still forming and I didn’t have confidence in being able to declare who I was. It was a good thing that our day was cut short in the late afternoon when Rebecca received a phone call from her father who needed assistance. Her father was having problems with one of his horses and Rebecca was somehow specially connected with the energies of animals. She was working for a vet but it was her way of calming an upset animal that was so valuable. Rebecca had to leave and I understood the call of family.
We packed up from the beach and headed to my house. We made a quick plan to be at her house next weekend. Rebecca didn’t come inside sensing correctly that it might seriously delay her departure. We kissed passionately and hugged openly by her vehicle which may have easily confused neighbors who had seen men come and go from my house. It wasn’t up to me to solve the neighbors’ confusion about my bisexuality.
Back at Rebecca’s
Rebecca and I returned to our torrid emails eagerly looking forward to the next time we would be together. Expressions of love came easier for me but I still wasn’t sure that I was in love. Surely, I was in full lust mode and had a serious physical attraction to this size four woman with long lustrous chestnut hair. I began to imagine how she would look naked mounted on a horse. Erotic dreams came readily and sexual thoughts crept into my head while I was working.
I was still very unclear about telling her that we shared being bisexual. There was such a risk that it would end the new relationship that was so satisfying. Since I was only just coming to know her, I couldn’t discern how she would respond. I began to think that it would be worse if I didn’t tell her until some weeks later when she would more likely be upset that I hadn’t opened up earlier. Perhaps because Rebecca was bisexual, she would understand my hesitation. My mind switched back and forth during the week, until I decided to be brave and open up. It would be difficult because my mind was already bringing back bad memories of the breakup with my ex-wife. I prepared myself for the possibility that Rebecca would declare us done. I began to feel depressed in anticipation of such an event. Which outcome was more likely? I didn’t know but feared the worst and was in that emotional state when Saturday arrived.
I hadn’t made any changes in the types of emails that I exchanged with Rebecca. I tried to make sure that none of my emotional roller coaster ride was expressed. In a way, I began to feel that I was deceiving her already and I didn’t like how that made me feel about myself. In the end, that was likely what pushed me toward opening about my bisexuality. Once I had decided to tell her, I began to wonder if she would ask questions about my activities. I’d been having sex with men for more than ten years at that point. How much would I reveal about myself and who I had been with? I didn’t think that I could open the door only a little, but once open whatever she asked I would have to tell. I tried not to get ahead of the conversation and chose to just focus on telling her.
I arrived at Rebecca’s house late on Saturday afternoon and was happy that she came out on the porch to greet me. She smiled affectionately and opened her arms for a welcoming hug and kiss. When I was less than my usual passionate self, she asked with concern, “What’s wrong?” “Can we sit on the porch swing and talk for a bit? I have something to tell you.” “OK,” she responded with hesitancy as we moved to our sitting positions on either end of the swing.
“I didn’t thank you last week for being brave in telling me about your affair with the lawyer. I’m afraid that I wasn’t brave enough at the time to tell you that I am also bisexual.” There, I had said it. I just put it right out there quickly and would wait for a response. I looked down at my hands while I made these declarations. At the time, I wasn’t proud of my sexuality. When I finished, I looked up to see her reaction which was one of surprise. “What?” she responded incredulously. “And you are telling me now? After we’ve been having unprotected sex all this time?”
Rebecca turned her back to me and folded her arms tightly. “I’m sorry. I was afraid to tell you,” I ventured sincerely. When she made no verbal or physical response, I continued, “You only told me about yourself just last week.” “That’s completely different. Have you been tested for HIV?” I informed her that I had and was negative. “I’d better not get sick from you. I can’t believe you put my health at risk like that. That’s not what a loving person does. Must be you don’t respect me.” All of Rebecca’s words were spoken with her back to me while I looked directly at her seeking some hope.
I tried to find the words that would lessen her anger and disappointment, but the feelings from my divorce came flooding into my head and it was not long before I became resigned to the ending of our relationship. “Perhaps I should leave.” “Oh, so you’ll just give up on us like that,” she rejoined turning to look at me. “I wasn’t going to ask you to leave, but now I can’t bear to look at you, so just go.”
I apologized again before I stood to depart. I didn’t look back as I dejectedly walked to my car. Once I was inside, I exhaled deeply many times. A full minute passed before some calm arrived and I was able to start the engine. I was filled with pain and feelings of rejection for being as I was. My long years of low self-esteem came flooding back. Tears welled up as I drove away. Soon I had to pull over to the curb and park the car so I could cry fully, sobbing from the immediate experience and still getting out remnants from the divorce. My abdomen tightened while salty tears flooded my face. I hadn’t cried in a while and I let myself go, releasing as much pain as my body and psyche would allow
I had failed again at knowing how to communicate about myself. I had allowed my strong desire for a sexual relationship with a woman to overwhelm my honesty. The experience with Rebecca was a mini version of the failure in my marriage to speak to my wife when I first started the route of sexual discovery. Instead, I hid out of fear of non-acceptance. The parallels were clear and I hadn’t advanced developmentally as much as I had thought I had. At least the timeframe was shorter with Rebecca.
I would need to build up courage for the next attempt to be with a woman but it would not be soon. Time was necessary to ponder this relationship and to examine how I had behaved. Getting beyond the pain I was feeling and rebuilding my confidence would not be quick. More resolve would be required. The task was to be true to myself, to love me as I was and not how I wanted to be.