Luna’s available time didn’t increase as we moved into the month of May. I started to resent those people and situations that kept her from me but at least I was able to avoid feeling poorly about myself. The times with John and Ray had nurtured my sense that others found me desirable. The resentment was tinged with anger which I did my best to work through while walking in nature.
I sensed that Luna still found me desirable but I wondered if my relationship with her had come to an end without either of us acknowledging it. Was that possible? I knew that I was not the first of her lovers to discover her limited amount of availability. She had told me early on about her pattern and it seemed as though I was now another one on the list. Had she fallen in love with the others, or was I special? If I were special, was it enough to make a difference? Every day these thoughts fought with one another and I decided that I would need to continue being physical with John and Ray. They would be happy and I would have two sexual outlets to distract me.
As we moved into the middle of May and there was still no date planned with Luna, I accepted that we were done with our limited time relationship. I didn’t want to finalize it with a text, email or even a phone call. I still loved Luna and didn’t really know how she was feeling. I sensed that I had worked through most of the emotions on my part but I suspected that more would come when the reality hit me. It was clear to me that we were now at the point of closure and I had to move forward.
As luck would have it, the day after I had come to those conclusions, Luna asked if I were available for a Thai dinner at a restaurant that was in a town between us. I readily accepted and immediately wondered if she were having the same thoughts that I was. Had she figured out what words to say that would let me gently know that we were at the end of our time? I hoped that she would be the one to initiate the break up. I wasn’t very skilled in this area and it was likely that she had more experience. On the other hand, Asian women often let the man speak first. I would have to plan out what words would be helpful and not overly emotional. There wasn’t any point in either of us causing more upset than we had already experienced over the last few months.
From the beginning I had accepted that our relationship was going to be created day by day and that the end could happen sooner than I might like. I had done my best to keep any vision of a future with Luna at bay. When she hadn’t introduced her children to me after Christmas, I had sensed that our end was not far off, but didn’t want to allow it to end any sooner than necessary. I just wanted to spend time with the woman that I loved.
The Thai restaurant was a good choice because it only sat about 40 people and the wooden tables were close to one another. No large emotional outburst could properly take place. Thai people hid many things behind those readily smiling faces. I didn’t think that my Caucasian face would manage a smile after the initial moment of happiness in seeing Luna. I drove to the venue with sadness in my heart and tears ready to fall on my cheeks.
I parked my car and walked slowly to the entrance, not wanting to complete the inevitable task that lay ahead. Luna had arrived early and was sitting on a bench outside of the restaurant. She had made a reservation and we were too early to take our seats so I joined her on the bench. Fortunately, the weather was mild and starting outside allowed a hug and a kiss before we both sat. There seemed to be a reduced energy in Luna and it led me to confirm my suspicions about the outcome of our evening. Perhaps she sensed what I was trying to keep hidden myself.
I wanted to save the important conversation for the end of the evening, so I asked Luna about work and the children. She appeared to understand my maneuver and kept the conversation devoid of anything that might lead us to the one neither of us wanted to have. When our table was ready, we went inside the brightly lit restaurant where many happy diners were enjoying spicy Thai food. Luna would only have asked me to join her at a place where the food was authentic.
We ordered our dishes along with green tea. I had thought about bringing a bottle of wine to the BYOB restaurant, but decided that alcohol might get us to an emotional place too soon. Understanding that we were postponing our conversation, we both chose to just enjoy our time and our meal. We managed to look at each other directly and smile through the sadness in our hearts. I was certain that my smile was lessened just as hers was.
The food was delicious, but neither of us ate more than half of what was presented. We accepted the server’s offer of take home containers and had our tea refilled. I insisted on using my credit card and Luna was grateful in her acceptance of my offer. She initially commented that she had invited me, but ultimately gave in when she determined that I could not be persuaded. At this point a thought came to me that would help us both get through what was next. “Can we spend some time on the boardwalk?”
Luna immediately understood that that would allow us to have our necessary words in a more open and private setting. “Yes, that’s a good idea.” Our bittersweet smiles reflected each other with a new vision of our closure. We left the restaurant and walked the two blocks to the boardwalk. We didn’t touch but walked side by side looking ahead to the metal railing that overlooked the sand and ocean.
The dark of night had arrived, but the full moon was just emerging from the ocean and its light spread across the dark water. There were small white caps that were created by the gentle breeze and the waves made light lapping sounds as they met the shore. Although it was the middle of May the air was cool and its freshness helped me summon my courage to speak. We both stood motionless looking out at the moon and water, neither of us able to look at the other.
“I’m truly grateful for the time we’ve had. I understood and accepted your time limitations, but I think we both know our futures can’t continue like this.” There was a long pause and Luna swallowed noticeably before saying, “You’re right.” Another long pause endured before “I’m sorry,” followed. “Don’t be sorry,” I comforted her while putting my arm around her shoulder and pulling her close to my side. “I was lucky to meet you and lucky to fall in love. We had many great times and I will always be happy about those.”
I felt her body weeping quietly and the tears that I had been holding back could no longer be restrained. I was grateful for the breeze from the ocean that wiped them from my face. I felt Luna’s body summon strength for her to say, “I have to get back to the children.” “Yes, of course.” The words confirmed our situation and closed the door to our future. With our conclusion agreed upon, there wasn’t much point in more conversation that might be painful for both of us.
I escorted her back to the silver SUV, but neither of us could bear a kiss or additional touch. The separation had begun and we had to respect the distance we were creating. Luna waved and smiled bravely from the car as she merged into the traffic and headed toward her life of obligations. I lowered my hand and smile before walking slowly to my car.
As I drove home, I realized that I was indeed grateful to have met a woman who was eager to be with a bisexual man. She had proven to me that such a person could be there for me and that the task ahead was to be open. Perhaps I was in the wrong area of the country or maybe even the wrong country. I had no regrets about falling in love with Luna. I hadn’t pretended to be anyone other than who I was. Both of us had been brave and adventurous. The sadness of our parting was far outweighed by the happiness we had made during out times together.